I Miss You

You know that color the sky turns when its about to rain.

The melancholy violet with a shade of grey.

That's when I start to miss you more and wish you felt the same.





-Kathy C.

Summer is Coming

2009 Summer was when he left.

2010 Summer was when I thought I found someone else, but was trashed.

Now, 2011 Summer is coming.

Summers compete to be worst.

I don't know if I can survive this time.

The roses are dead,
My summers are cold.
Paint the grass red,
The blood is foretold.




-Kathy C.

The Rain

For some people the rain is beautiful.

For some people the rain is repulsive.

But for everyone there are memories they had in the rain.

Mine, was sort of like a movie.

I was in love with him... Well, I thought I was.

It was summer. There's that summer breeze, that summer rain.

He came in front of my house, and begged for me to come out.

He held me closely in an embrace I'll never forget.

We talked for a while then I had to go back to my reality.

The pain was ripping me away, but he pulled me in.

As the glitter and shattered glass poured on our face, we had love's first kiss.

I went inside and ran upstairs to watch him go.

I never saw him again.

He left to Maryland.

I remember how I cried all summer.

I can't forget how hard the rain was falling.

So whenever it rains, like it did today, I think of you, of us, and of that kiss.

I miss you so much.



-Kathy C.

Darkest Hole

Since you left I feel like there's this hole in my heart.

Its the darkest hole you'll ever see, there's not a spark of light.

The whole time I only wanted to fill it in with anything I could find.

Just not to feel empty.

But I've been filling it with pain, hurt, hate, and all these ugly things.

And trying to make feelings make sense make things even more confusing.

Now I have a messed up heart.

...I thought I could fix it.



-Kathy C.

Happy Birthday

March 3rd was my birthday. I'm 15 now.

All I wanted to do is kill myself.

It hurts to have to pretend to be happy in front of everyone.

And I hate how I realized I got so good at it.

I put up a perfect act, not one fall from this false smile.

My best friend believed me, believed I was the happiest person she's ever seen.

Everyone said "Happy Birthday."

The irony in that...I wasn't happy nor do I feel alive.

Last year today was when he broke up with me, he couldn't even tell me himself.
He sent our friend to tell me the news. I cried just knowing how unimportant I was to him.
I hope he never finds out, that I'm still in love with him.

-I'm going to smile like nothing's wrong, talk like everything's perfect,
act like its all a dream, and pretend its not hurting me.






-Kathy C.

Skin and Bones

I lock the door and turn all the water on. Bury that sound, so no one hears anything anymore.

Cut deeper and deeper into my skin as I cry, all you hear is the rivulet from this faucet.

Mirror lie to me, tell me you can see. Maybe you won't be able to recognize me now.

Change my clothes, change my hair. Just hoping you don't recognize me. Just hoping you realize I'm hurting.

I know you can feel, all the things you steal. And you're taking it, and you're taking it.

You take bits and bits of me and tear me apart without realizing it. Now I'm everything I'm not.

Feeling so easy, make me skin and bones, I'm always on my knees for you.

You know I need you. I would do anything for you. I will never admit it.
But you know it, I'm desperate for your help, so please just help.

Well sometimes it burns, maybe I'll wash it out. It all look so big. Never mind, I don't feel anything.

Cutting stops the pain and my skin starts crying blood.
But its okay, because I know I will feel better temporarily.

It only hurt a bit, and I still feel like shit. And I think you won't be able to recognize me now.

I feel disgusting and ashamed, but its the only way.

Its easier to quit, its harder to admit.

Its simple to quit cutting and kill myself, its more difficult to tell you.

And you're pushing me, you're fucking pushing me.

You keep making me cut again, I just can't stop.

 

-Kathy C.

Hurts to Understand...

It hurts to have to understand.

Its not enough to care about you.
Its not enough to love your smile.
Its not enough to miss you when you're gone.

It doesn't matter if I love your jokes.
It doesn't matter if I have the weirdest bittersweet feeling when you stare into my eyes.
It doesn't matter if I love the way you act like you cared.

None of this means anything unless you love me back.

It just hurts to have to understand.




-Kathy C.

Speak

I used to have a problem where I blurt out whatever was on my mind.
Now I stopped. I over think everything before I say it.
Because I know things cannot be unsaid.

I wish I never told you I loved you.

Now things are so bottled up I'm killing myself.
I'm a million secrets ready to spill.

I've ruined too much of my life to change again.
I need to. But I don't want to.
Maybe its better for everyone that I leave forever.



-Kathy C.

Rose

Red rose of happiness
You're lavished with kisses
But none are honestly true
They only know what they want from you

All you perceive is the sun
Love and warmth from everyone
Along with a proposal they speak of
Red rose for a false love

Black rose for a black heart
Romance starts to fall apart
All you can but dream
Stop the blood stream and scream

Words this pale face left unsaid
You lie vapid on her death bed
Thorns prick with love's regret
Black rose of the dead




Happy Valentine's Day. I hope all the world is happy even though I'm dying.

-Kathy C.

Confess

Emerging pitch blackness.

Scattered cemetery roses.

Whispering silence,

Piercing breeze.

Savor blood and bitterness.

Pain will not confess.



-Kathy C.

How I'll Die

Inject the venom.

Drink down the poison.

Breathe in the acetone.

This is how I'll die alone.



-Kathy C.

Weakness...

I'm weak.
I will bend, give, and break with a little push.
And here I thought picking up that razor blade was the strongest I've ever been.
But I've come to realize cutting shows I'm the weakest I ever was.
It can only keep me alive for so long.
I'm ready to go.




-Kathy C.

What Hurts...

Maybe what hurts is that I die a little more every day.
And every day nothing changes.

You don't change.
I don't change.
We with the world stay the same.

Like my lifeless body lies there as the world keeps spinning.

And you, just pass by, smiling at me,
not knowing the pain I have inside.



-Kathy C.

Words

Nothing anyone felt can be described with anything at all.
Words are created to try to explain the unimaginable feelings we have, the feelings we can touch with our hearts.
The word feel doesn't truly describe the state of feeling.
The word happy completely lessens the way I felt when you lied about loving me.
The word love is absolutely inaccurate.
Words, come close, but just isn't it.
Silence, is when you are most deep in emotion, it brings together so much more than words can say.
What do I feel for you?
*Silence*



-Kathy C.

Everything We Had

Everything we had is no longer there.

It didn't mean anything to you, but it meant everything to me.

If I didn't fall for you, I wouldn't be where I am.
I wouldn't have these messed up thoughts.
You taught me how it felt to be happy,
then showed me how all of it could be ripped from me so quickly.

What am I to believe now?
That someone else will come around?
You dropped me so low I'm not sure anyone can pick me back up.

You asked were they any good for me.
No, they came around to smash up the pieces.

Now all I want is to put an end to this life.
I guess its nice to know we had something.
But it hurts to know it was only everything, to me.



-Kathy C.

Not Good Enough

Don't look at me, I'm ugly.
Don't smile at me, it only hurts more.

I can't stop thinking lately about how I'm just not good enough.
Not good enough to even look at you, sit beside you, say a word to you.
And it only gets worse. Never Better.
Everyone just moves farther.
While I fake up this smile and pretend to be okay with it.

I would give you my heart, but he broke it.
The pieces are shattered, I can't find them.
The remains will never be whole...
So they're just not Good Enough.



-Kathy C.

Maimed Heart

Nudge me from this nightmare.
Help me grasp the feelings again.
Shatter the bleeding thoughts.
Take, away my maimed heart.

-Kathy C.